June 24, 2010 in Mommy Musings
I wrote this forever ago. It just kinda flowed out one day. But I didn’t publish it. It was too vulnerable, and I wasn’t ready. But then I established prices and posted some items for sale. Putting myself out there like that feels really vulnerable to me. So, while I am at it, I thought I’d share this too…
I noticed the other day that the “tag” for Josiah under the “Let’s Talk About…” section on the right side bar is a whole lot bigger than the “tag” for God. In one respect this requires no apology for this blog is about motherhood and baby stuff. Most of the posts in one way or another begin and end with Josiah. But Josiah begins and ends with God. And I have a confession to make; This is not the only place in my life where Josiah has more space than God.
Several months ago, I found myself reading about Abraham. His is an amazing story. God promised Abraham that he would be the father of a great nation. And Abraham believed God…even though his wife was barren. Year after year after year passed while Abraham and Sarah waited for their promised son to come. I can only imagine Sarah’s disappointment every month when she realized, yet again, that she was not pregnant. This is such an amazing testimony of what it is to trust God and what it means to have faith in a season of waiting. I have found much inspiration and solace here while waiting for God’s promises to come to fruition in my own life. But this is not the part that catches my heart when I read it today, in this season of my life. While Abraham and Sarah certainly had some lapses of faith while they waited for God to make good on His promise, much evidence exists that their faith was strengthened beyond measure throughout the waiting. They were indeed given a son. I know that Josiah is a gift from God, but Abraham and Sarah KNEW that Isaac was a gift from God. There could have been no mistaking it! But then, many years later, God asks Abraham to sacrifice his son as an offering on an alter. There are so many details that we could expound upon here: historical and cultural circumstances, the nature of Abraham’s relationship with God, etc. But no matter how you slice it, this was a big deal! This was a crazy huge thing for God to ask Abraham to do. And Abraham obeyed (If you don’t know the story, don’t fret…just in the nick of time God stopped Abraham. God provided a ram for Abraham to sacrifice instead and Abraham and Isaac walked back down the mountain together.)
This famous Bible story takes on a whole new depth of meaning for me now that I am a mother. And I got to thinking, What would I do if God asked me to give up my son?
What would I say?
And here is the truth:
I would say “Absolutely Not!”
Because the truth is, I love Josiah more than I love God.
Just a few days after my initial discovery of my own heart on the matter, I shared this with a group of women in a Bible Study I was attending (Vine, Vision, and Voice with Nancy Buschart) I wasn’t prepared for the wave of tears that came over me when I said it out loud. The tears came because I know that this is the wrong answer. I cannot love Josiah the way I am meant to love him if I don’t love God, trust God, MORE. I know this with my head. But my heart won’t budge. I guess because it feels in order to love God more I have to love Josiah less…and I can’t love him less. But the truth is, I don’t need to love Josiah less…I just need to love God more. Do you know what I am trying to say?
And so I am laying this out there. I am not sure why. I guess I want to be truly known. And I want to be really real. And I want this blog to be really, truly relevent.
And I guess maybe I hope that some day, somewhere down the line, one of you will ask me: Do you love God more? And I pray that my answer will be yes.
I do not believe the day will ever come that I will be asked to sacrifice my son on an altar. That makes no sense today.
But I do believe that someday, in one way or another, I will be asked a similar question:
Are you going to hold on to him?
…Or are you going to let God?
I’m linking up to these fun blog parties: